Ghosts & Blueberry Pie
by the Last Flowerchild
Summary: After the death of his pet cat, Toki embarks on a search for answers and God. Quickly he discovers that the only person he can turn to or depend on is Pickles. Pickles/Toki slash. Yay.
1. Chapter 1

****WARNINGS****

**Slash, drug/alcohol usage, references to religion/God, and bad language.**

**If you don't like, don't read.**

****DISCLAIMER****

**Nope, don't own any of the important characters.**

_**Reviews are love.**_

****THIS STORY IS SET AFTER DETHHEALTH****

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"_I'm the man in the box_

_Buried in my shit_

_Won't you come and save me?_

_Save me..."_

_~~Alice In Chains, Man In The Box_

**Chapter 1, Part 1**

_**Three Weeks After The Cat's Death**_

Toki sat at the breakfast table staring at nothing. Everyone slowly ate their own food, chewing quietly. Nobody dared to talk until the Klokateers came in and cleaned up their plates. Murderface cast a glance over to Toki's plate and frowned. He grabbed the plate from the Klokateer and began shoveling down the cold and untouched eggs.

"Toki, what the hell'sh wrong with you?" he asked between bites. "You didn't eat anything!"

"I'ms not hungry."

"Whatever." was his simple response. Over in his seat, Pickles rolled his eyes.

"Dude, don't be a dick. Give Toki his food back."

Murderface glared over at him. "What'sh your problem? If he doshen't want to eat he doshen't have to."

Skwisgaar just sighed and rested his head on his hand. "Toki ammnest just beings a stupids little crybabys again."

"I ams not!" he snapped.

"Oh reallys? Then what is this that you're doings? You never eats no more unless we makes you and you never laughs no more or smiles—you ammnest totallys ruining my mornings!" the Swede said before taking a sip of coffee. "You ams being a selfish littles dildo."

Toki looked down at his hands and said quietly, "You don'ts understand."

"Whats? It was just your cats that died, not like it was your-"

"It ams not about the _cat, _Skwisgaar."

He slammed his cup down on the table in anger. "Then what is it abouts? You ammnest acting like little, stupids kid!"

Toki got up from his seat and stormed out of the dining room, cursing in Norwegian under his breath. Once he had left Nathan let out a long, exasperated sigh. "That stupid little prick. He always has to make a big deal about everything. I don't get it. It was just a fucking cat."

Pickles shrugged and watched as Murderface ate the rest of the eggs. "He really did like 'dat dumb cat, I guess."

Nathan said irritably, "It only lived for a few days! He needs to learn that not everything's that serious!"

"Maybe..." the drummer sighed and ran a hand thru his hair in frustration. Why didn't anyone get it? Toki's problem obviously wasn't just about the cat, but what else could it be? He had no clue, but he could still try to guess at it. "...maybe it ain't about the stupid cat. Maybe it's about somethin' else."

"What elshe could be hish problem?" Murderface asked, throwing Toki's now empty plate to the side. "He'sh being a shtupid little kid. He needsh to grow up or shomething."

"Ja, and maybes if you wasn't so busys giving him your stupids attention he wouldn't be acting like he ams." Skwisgaar added. Pickles scoffed.

"So you're tellin' me 'dat you can really just sit there and watch him nat eat or smile?"

He nodded. "Ja, I don't sees nothings wrong with it. Let hims cry if he wants. It doesn't hurts me none."

Pickles got up from his chair. "Yeah, well maybe that's just the prablem—_nobody's _doing anything to help him."

"So what?" Nathan challenged. "He's an adult; he can work out his own problems."

"Whatever." was the drummer's response as he walked out of the room.

It was true, the past few weeks Toki's attitude towards everything had been rather dull and bleak. He got up and practiced with the rest of the band like usual, but his eyes were always glazed over, staring off into nothingness. When he spoke his voice no long held any of it's characteristic carefree, unfiltered happiness; he rarely spoke at all, actually. When he did his responses were short and tired-sounding, as if he'd had to repeat himself over and over. He looked exhausted, with dark circles under his pale blue eyes and a his face never held a smile. He had changed since his stupid cat had died, and although nobody knew why, Pickles was determined to find out. He _had _to find out for Toki's sake and his own, because he didn't really know why, but when the Norwegian hurt he also felt guilt and sorrow fill his heart.

He didn't know why the hurt was there or what it meant, only that it was real.

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**Chapter 1, Part 2**

_**Aimless Searching**_

Pickles found Toki laying outside a ways away from the house staring up blankly at the clouds of dismal gray that rolled above their heads. He sat down next to him and peered up at the sky as well, whistling softly. When the time came to speak his voice faltered and Toki was left to begin the awkward conversation.

"Heys, Pickle."

He cleared his throat and managed to say, "Y-Yeah, what's up? I decided to, y'know, find you."

"Yeah. Thanks." he looked down and began picking little blades of dead grass out of the dirt. " 'Cause I thoughts that nobody in this stupids place cares abouts me."

"Yeah, well like I said, I'm here. What's wrong? Why didn't you eat?" he laid back in the grass and closed his eyes lazily. "Didn't you like what the chef dude cooked?"

"Course I dids."

" 'Den why'd you-"

"Pickle, you thinks this ams all about the cat, huh?"

He looked over to Toki and shrugged. "No, but I don't know what else it could be about, so-"

"It's not abouts the stupids cat." the guitarist said.

"Then what?" when Toki didn't answer, Pickles sighed and sat up. "Look, dude, you've gatta trust me if you're gonna talk to me. I'm nat gonna tell anyone or nothing. I'd never do 'dat."

He just turned his blue eyes back up at the sky and said quietly, "Do you thinks it hurts do die?"

Pickles was utterly taken aback by this question, so he was left to just sit there and sputter aimlessly, "Do I...wait—I do what? What the fuck are you askin' me?"

Toki repeated his question calmly and unwaveringly. "Do you thinks that it hurts to die?"

"Well, your cat was really sick, so-"

"No!" he sat up suddenly and glared at the drummer. "It ams not about the cat that I ams asking!"

Pickles was lost. " 'Den what is it? Just spit it out! You're scaring the crap out of me, Toki!" he'd never seen the Norwegian like this, so serious and absolute—so damn _solemn. _It was almost disturbing to hear him speak, because he sounded so sad and hopeless, almost like he was being sentenced to death or something. Pickles felt his heart ache and tried hard to control his shaking voice as he repeated, "You're scaring the crap out of me, Toki."

"Then why yous comes here to talks to me? You obviously don'ts understand!" then he looked down and said sadly, "Nobody does."

The drummer bit his lip and admitted, "I wanna help you, but you've gotta tell me what's wrong. You've gotta-"

"Pickle, where do we go after we dies?"

"I...what?" In the matter of a second Toki was spitting out a dozen questions, making Pickles turn red and grow cold and numb. What was this, all of these questions of death and the afterlife, of Heaven and Hell? It took all of his concentration to just say above Toki's lost, sorrowful voice, "I don't know."

"Well thens do we just die and that ams it?"

"I don't kn-"

"Or dos we all go to the sames place?"

"Maybe, but-"

"Whats abouts bad people? What happens to bads people?"

"Toki, I-"

"Ams I a bad person?"

Pickles shook his head and said firmly, "No, of course you're nat."

"Thens what will happen to me once I dies?" Toki asked, letting his head fall into his hands. "I'ms so damns confused! Ever since that stupids cats died I can't stops thinking about it, 'cause it mades me realize that we coulds die anytime, like rights now. What would you dos if I died?" he met Pickles' gaze and repeated the question wretchedly. "What woulds you do?"

"I..." he shrugged and said sadly, "I don't know, Toki."

"So if I dieds right now and you have five seconds to decides, what woulds you-"

"I don't know! 'Dat's a dumb question!"

He shook his head and put some of his hair behind his ears. "No, Pickle, it ams not! I know what I woulds do if _you _woulds die, but you can't thinks of one thing to do if I died?"

Pickles' mind was racing about a million miles an minute now. What did happen to you after you died? Did dying hurt? Where did you go? Did you just rot in the ground for eternity? He didn't know any of it, and suddenly he had the urge to cry under Toki's crushing gaze. "I...Toki, I don't know. I guess I'd...I'd..."

"You woulds what?"

" 'Dat's what I'm trying to say!_ I don't know!"_

Toki shook his head and sniffled. He said, all previous traces of his depression returning to him, "Exactly; you wouldn'ts care. Nobodys would care. I'd be just likes my cat—deads, and yous all would be replacing me and the world just wouldn'ts care. That woulds be it." and he let his head fall into his hands. "That woulds be _it."_

"I...I..." Pickles took a deep breath and tried to get himself under control. He had to be strong right now. He had to give the Norwegian answers and advice and let him know that it was okay, because the truth was that he knew what he was going thru. He'd never told anyone about how he himself had once lost his best friend in a stupid, avoidable accident...

"Toki, look." he sat up and gently patted the guitarist's shoulder. "Everybody would care if you died. We'd all be crying and stuff...it'd just be really bad."

"Whats would happen if Is were to die? Where woulds I go to?"

He thought and finally admitted, "I don't know. Nobody does."

"Well why nots? You knows everything else, but why nots that?"

Pickles was beginning to feel both frustrated and embarrassed. Not knowing what else to do, he got up and snapped, "Look, I dunno. I've tried to be nice, tried to get you to talk—I just don't know, okay? Why do you even care what happens anyways? We die and we go to Hell, I guess. Why the fuck does it matter?" Suddenly the guitarist began crying. He held his head in his hands and began openly weeping. Pickles' eyes grew wide and in a moment he was kneeling beside Toki and squeezing his shoulder."Look, dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean—I care, I really do, but-"

"Fucks you! Fucks all of you! Nobody cares!"

"Yeah, I swear to Gad 'dat I-"

He shook his head. "Pickle, I ams just sos...so..."

In the back of the drummer's mind he remembered when he was a thirteen-year-old kid and his best friend had died. He'd been so damn confused, felt so alone. Nobody had ever bothered to ask him if he was okay or needed help or any of that stuff. They had just looked down on him and told him that it was his fault and put is best friend in the ground. Nobody—not even his best friend's parents—had bothered to visit the grave. Nobody except Pickles. He had spent many lonely, cold hours of his childhood sitting in the cool grass being eclipsed by the shadow of that marble tombstone.

"Confused, I know." Pickles finally said. He closed his eyes, remembered the funeral...so many people wearing black. Useless prayers said...falling apart. He had fallen apart and nobody had cared enough to help him pull himself back together. "Lonely, like nobody else in the whole fuckin' world cares or understands..."

"Ja, exactlys." and Toki's blue eyes met the drummer's green ones. "Pickle, how you knows-"

"I don't want you to feel like 'dat." he said quietly and thought, _Like I do. _"Toki, listen. I don't have all the answers, but if you ever need anything or whatever, I'm...well, right here, I guess."

He looked down. "Okays. I guess you dos care, and that ams enough for me. Thanks, Pickle."

"Yeah." he said, pulling Toki into a brief hug. "It's cool, I guess."

The hug was immediately ended as Pickles heard approaching footsteps. He looked up and was surprised to see Ofdensen walking over to them them. In his right hand he held a little black book. "Hello, boys." he said as he approached them. Before he spoke again he turned his attention to Toki. "I've been informed that there was another confrontation this morning at breakfast."

Toki shook his head. "There wasn't nos confrontation, only Skwisgaar and Murderface annoyings me."

He nodded and responded dryly, "Well, whatever the situation may be I've got something you may find useful." he presented the guitarist with the little book. Across the cover there were simple, golden letters that read, _The Bible. _As soon as the Norwegian took the bible, Pickles let out an annoyed hiss and jumped to his feet. He took the book from Toki and threw it to the ground. The guitarist arched a brow questioningly and opened his mouth to say something, but Pickles wouldn't let him speak.

"Dude, trust me; 'dat book is a load of bullshi-"

"It may be _helpful _for him, Pickles." Ofdensen cut in, his voice harsh and unyielding. "I've noticed some signs that Toki may be in need of a little more spiritual guidance than we can provide him with, so that's why I'm-"

"Waits a second, isn't this abouts God and Jesus ands stuff?" Toki asked innocently, taking the book and opening it. " 'Cause I don't believes in that stuffs anyway; I don'ts believe in anything. You knows that."

"Well maybe 'dats the problem..." Pickles muttered.

Ofdensen glanced over at him and asked, "I'm sorry?"

"Huh?" he looked up and shrugged. "Nothin'. Yeah, I guess it's a good idea if it'll give him somethin' to believe in. Everybody needs_ something, _I guess."

Toki gave the bible a look of pure indifference and said, "Thanks, Ofdensens. I guess I mights as wells try to reads it."

"Good. Perhaps it might make you see things more clearly. Grief isn't an easy thing to get over." he paused and added thoughtfully, "And we really should start back to work on the album soon, but before we do you need to be in a good mood." As he turned and walked right back to Mordhaus, Toki opened the bible to the first page and began reading aloud in his broken English.

"_Ins the beginning Gods created the heaven ands the earth..."_ he arched a brow cluelessly. "That don'ts makes much sense. Hey, Pickle?"

He cursed. "Crap...yeah, Toki?"

"How did Gods create-"

"Just read it and I'm sure it'll tell you."

"Buts-"

"I don't wanna ruin the plot of the whole damn book!" he said before quickly going back inside the house. The truth was that he hated to admit when he didn't know something, and he could tell that Toki's little religions experiment would be a time when he'd have to do just that many, many times.

He shuttered to think of all the questions that would pop into Toki's mind now. What was Hell exactly? What was Heaven? As the drummer walked to his room he felt himself turning red. Stupid, damn bible. They never did any good. It was all fake, all of it. After his best friend had died he'd read the whole damn book cover to cover and still hadn't found the answer he'd been looking for—_why?_

And the Christians at the church said that he wasn't looking at it right, that he was reading it wrong. The answers to everything were in there, they said. Pickles hadn't found a damn thing, though. But then again, he'd never been good at focusing on what it all meant, so maybe he _had _missed something after all.

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**Chapter 1, Part 3**

_**So Many Whys & Don't Knows**_

Everything seemed normal until later that night. The little digital alarm clock in Pickles' room had just blinked _3:00 _when a knock came at his door. He cursed and called out groggily, "Yeah, wh-what's wrong?"

"Pickle?" Toki's voice was a soft, nearly inaudible whisper. "Pickle, ams you awake?"

He let out a tired little sigh and rolled over. "Y-Yeah," he called, still trying to drift back off to sleep. "Come in."

The door opened with a creak and in a moment Toki was speaking in his ear asking a dozen questions, one after the other. Pickles groaned and blindly groped for the bottle of booze he always kept beside his bed. He found it and took a deep sip from it as Toki continued to ramble off questions. After another minute of this the drummer switched on the lamp that was on his night table.

He shielded his eyes against the blinding light and drank a little more before asking, " 'Kay, now 'dat I'm awake at fuckin' three in the morning, what d'you want?"

Toki was sitting beside his bed reading from his bible madly as he began."Pickle, I was readings and-"

"You gat to the part where they crucified the Jew, right?"

The guitarist shook his head and asked obliviously, "What ams crucified?"

"It means—never mind. What d'you want?"

"Well," he pointed to a line in the bible and said, "That rights there talks about this place, some place calleds Heaven, and it says that if you ams good enough you cans gos into it, but-"

"Look, I-"

"But you can'ts dos no sins. Pickle, what ams a sin?"

Thank God. _That _was a simple question to answer. The drummer said, " 'Dat's when you do something that you know is bad."

Toki nodded like he understood. "Ohs, so likes when you gets so drunk that you vomits everywhere."

"Yeah, kinda like 'dat." Pickles answered in a slight tone of annoyance. He waited a moment before saying, "Okay, well if that's all, then I guess you can go. Goodnight."

"Wait! I wants to know something else!"

"_What?" _Toki shied away a little until the drummer let out an irritated breath and said, "I'm sorry. I'm tryin' really, really hard to have patience with you for waking me up, but it's hard. What's your question?"

The Norwegian looked down at his feet and said meekly, "You saids I could comes to you if I ever hads a problem."

Pickles closed his eyes. There was no way that this was happening at three o'clock in the damn morning, _no way! _"Toki," he said tiredly. "I'm sorry. Of course I said 'dat and I meant it, so just c'mon and tell me what you have to say so I can get back to bed."

"Okays, well I was just wonderings—it talks a lot abouts a holy ams that?"

" 'Dats kinda like Gad."

"Oh." he lowered the bible and blinked. It was apparent that he was exhausted, but still he didn't close the book. Instead he yawned and asked, "Pickle?"

"Mmm hmm?"

"Do yous believe in this?" he showed him the bible. "In Gods?"

He considered the Norwegian's question for a moment then shook his head. "No, I don't guess I do. Sorry, but it's just nat my thing."

"Sos it ams not real?"

"Sure it is, I guess."

"Then why don't yous believe in it?"

"Because." he peered down at Toki and frowned; the guitarist was staring at him, his pale eyes full of boyish affection and, above all, uncertainty. Pickles gave him a little smile and added, "Because I just don't get it, 'dat's all. If you get it I guess it's just as real as anything else."

"Oh, okays. Hey, Pickle?"

"Yeah?"

"I'ms still reallys confused."

He grinned and patted his shoulder. " 'Dat's fine. It'll get better."

"Hows do you know?"

"I just do, now go to bed."

He watched as Toki slowly rose to his feet, closed his bible, and made his way out of the room, past all the empty bottles of booze. Once he was gone Pickles switched off his lamp, but found that he couldn't go to sleep. There was too much going on in his mind now, so he just drank until his eyes could no longer stay open.

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****A/N****

**I started typing this on iPod during my Thanksgiving vacation in Mississippi while I was 'spending time' with my family—yes, it was **_**that **_**boring. I'm definitely glad to be home-I actually just got home yesterday and I'm already back publishing fanfic...maybe I have a problem lol. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter because there's more to come. Thank you all who have previously reviewed my other stories. I appreciate it and yes, I will be writing more Toki/Pickles stories. ^_^**

**Also, concerning the whole 'religion' and 'God' subjects of this story...I'm 16 years old and no, I have not decided on what I believe in as far as that goes, so I am totally unbiased when it comes to that sort of thing. I don't look down on ANY religious beliefs, so please don't take offense—none of the character's religious beliefs or thoughts on God in this story mirror my own. And in case you're a little lost, Toki's cat the one from the episode of **_**Dethhealth. **_**One last thing; when Pickles says stuff like 'nat' instead of 'not', I'm not misspelling it. That's just how I type him. **

**Reviews are welcome.**

**Peace & Love.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2, Part 1**

_**The Fight**_

Pickles awoke with a pounding headache the next morning. As he stumbled over to his door, he nearly tripped over all the empty bottles. When he managed to make it over all the debris and junk, he discovered that a note was taped on the handle of his door. It was written in the scrawled, childish handwriting of Toki.

_I haves another question for you. _

He sighed and opened his door slowly. Maybe if he could manage to sneak past the Norwegian's room quietly, he could—just as he took his first step, his foot hit something warm. There was a sharp grunt of pain and Pickles was shocked to see that he had one foot placed directly over Toki's face.

"Pickle, you ams stepping on my face."

"Sorry!" he exclaimed as he hurried to step back. He watched as the guitarist let out a large yawn and rose to his feet, rubbing his cheek.

"That scardes me."

"Sorry." was all he could say again. Before taking another careful step, he retreated inside of his room and located a half-empty bottle of vodka. Once he had gotten that, he met the guitarist again outside.

As he walked out into the hall again, Toki grabbed his arm and asked expectantly, "You gots my note?"

"Yep." and he closed his bedroom door and proceeded to walk in the direction of the dining room. He took a sip of alcohol before asking, "And I think we should talk about that. I—wait, were you _sleeping _outside my bedroom?"

Toki nodded and ran a hand thru his messy hair. "Ja. I didn'ts wants to wakes you up again, but I didn't want to forget it to asks you."

"But that's the thing, Toki." Pickles began. "You have so many damn questions, and the problem is that I don't know how in the fuck to answer them, so-"

"You wants me to leave you alone?"

He shook his head and said carefully, "No."

"Then whats?"

Pickles took a deep breath. He could tell that he was treading on thin ice, but what could he do? This couldn't keep happening; Toki's religion obsession was surely just a phase—the drummer_ hoped _it was just a phase. He spoke slowly and carefully, thought out ever word as he said, "I just think that you may be asking the wrong person about all of this stuff, that's all. I'm not religious; I don't _care _about Gad or any of that holy ghost bullshit. It's all a load of crap to me, so-"

Toki stopped walking and held his bible close to him. "Buts _I _believes in it."

"Dude, you just started reading that stupid book yesterday and you already think that you're a Gad freak?" Pickles inquired. "Think about it. It doesn't make sense, none of it. I've tried to read that stupid book a long time ago after my friend..." his voice trailed off and he just said, "...I didn't get it. I still don't get it." He turned and stared at Toki with sad eyes. "I never gat it and I guess I never will."

"Nos, you just must've beens reading it wro-"

"How the fuck do you read words _wrong?" _Pickles snapped. He wasn't necessarily angry, but with each moment that passed he was beginning to remember more and more about his lost friend. "I read that stupid book cover to cover damn near fifty times and I still didn't get it! It didn't tell me a fuckin' thing, so why don't you just piss aff? I don't care about you or your stupid God! I don't want anything to do with it, why don't you understand 'dat? I swear, sometimes it's like you're so god damn stup-" he cut himself off before he could say it. He knew that he was going too far, so he shut his mouth and waited for the Norwegian to work up the courage to speak.

In the end all he said was, "Ja, right. Thanks for the help, Pickle." And he pushed past the drummer and walked down the hall. Pickles sighed. What the hell was wrong with him?

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**Chapter 2, Part 2**

_**Much Needed Help**_

Later after breakfast _Dethklok _was lead into the recording studio by Ofdensen. "No more stalling," he said as he lead them over to Knubbler. "The fans are expecting an album release soon."

They all recorded their parts with little trouble and got it done quickly and without resistance; however when it came for Toki's turn to play, there were many problems. His first take was out of tune, so Skwisgaar said into the talk-back mic, "Heys, dildo, tunes your guitars."

Toki arched a brow. "Tunes it? It ams in tune."

"Nos it ain't. It ammnest flat, idiots."

"Flats?" he cluelessly began running his fingers across his guitar's strings. "It ams flat?"

"Idiots! It ams too low! Tunes it higher!" Skwisgaar snapped. "Don't you knows how to tunes a guitar?"

He shrugged. "Sures, I guess."

"Then dos it!"

"Buts-"

"Turns those little things at the tops."

Toki sighed and said, "You ams not making much sense, Skwisgaar."

The Swede let out an angry little hiss and turned to Nathan. "Cans we _please _kicks him out the bands now? He ams totallys useless!"

"Just go help him tune his guitar." was the singer's harsh response.

"Fines."

Skwisgaar went and joined Toki. He took his guitar and said, "Okays, looks at what I do. You turns this right here and you listens; turns and listens." he began turning Toki's guitar and continued mumbling to himself, "Turns and listens, turns and-"

There was a loud twang of disjointed sound as the string snapped. Everyone inside the studio let out groans of defeat. Murderface sat down in a chair and cried, "Why can't we jusht quit for today?"

"I can do it." Pickles said, turning to Nathan. "Can I get in 'dere?"

He shrugged. "Sure. I don't see how it could hurt."

The drummer went inside the recording booth and pushed Skwisgaar to the side. "Look," he said to a disgruntled Toki. "Dude, it ain't 'dat hard to do, okay? Watch." he took the Norwegian's hands and gently guided them thru the process. Once it was done he ran his hands along he remaining strings and asked, "There. 'Dat's where it's gatta be. It sounds better now, huh?"

"Ja." Toki answered, turning a little red. "Thanks, Pickle."

"No prablem." he released the guitarist's hands and said gently, "You gat it from here?"

"Sures."

" 'Kay." then he turned to Skwisgaar and said, "C'mon, let's let him record."

And the rest of the session went on without a hitch. When it was over, Pickles and Toki stayed behind in the studio to practice a little more. "Playings guitar ams complicated," the Norwegian commented, skillfully playing out a complex tune on his Gibson. "Sometimes I just wants to quit, like today. Thanks for helpings me."

"Sure," Pickles responded, softly tapping out a beat with his drumsticks. He was sitting on the couch in the studio, drumming on his knee. Toki glanced over at him and smiled—it was his first smile in weeks. Something inside the drummer seemed to light up and he smiled back before turning his gaze down to the floor.

"Toki," he said almost timidly, "you're smilin'."

"Ja, I knows."

"When was the last time you did that?"

He thought back and finally shrugged. "A longs time ago." then he ended the little solo and without warning began laughing. He laughed for a whole minute before throwing down his guitar and saying, "I just can'ts stops thinking abouts it—_Skwisgaar _brokes a string! He _never _breaks his strings!"

Pickles' little smile grew. "He deserved it. He's such a fuckin' dick to you sometimes."

Toki scooted a little closer to the drummer on the couch and leaned heavily against his shoulder. "I ams sorry about this mornings," he said seriously. "I didn't means to hurts you, but it ams just like you have all the answers—like you ams the only one on the world who cares abouts me or wants to help. Sometimes I guess I just gets carrieds away and thinks you knows everything."

"It's fine."

"Ams you mad at me?"

"For what?" he asked, ceasing his drumming.

"Wakings you up last night."

"Nat at all."

"That ams good." there was a moment of silence before, "Pickle, whens you die don't gos to Hell."

He laughed for a second, but once he realized that Toki was serious he stopped. "Don't go to what? What're you talkin' about?"

"I..." Toki struggled to find the words to say, "I don'ts wants to go to Hell—it sounds sos bad—but I thinks that you _wants _to gos there, so please don'ts. I wants you to go to Heaven with me after you dies."

"I don't think that that's somethin' you can decide yourself, Toki."

"Oh." he frowned in thought and inquired, "Then who does decides?"

"Gad."

"Oh." This only confused Toki more, so he asked, "But if he sends you to Hells then whats about me?"

"Well..." Pickles searched for the right words and came up with, "I guess you'll go to Heaven and I won't."

"Buts I don't want us to gos to separate places—that ams the whole _point!" _his eyes filled with tears of distress. The drummer cursed himself for his thoughtless words and pulled Toki into a tight, reassuring hug.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Ifs Gods lets me go to Heaven, can I choose to gos with you in Hell?"

"I guess you could, but why would you want to?"

"Because you ams my best friend." Toki said, staring at Pickles with his wonderfully pale eyes. "And I don'ts wants to be aways from you forever. That woulds suck, right?"

"Yeah." he said quietly. "I guess it would."

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

**Chapter 2, Part 3**

_**Say A Little Prayer**_

That night as Pickles laid down in his bed all he could think of was Toki's words. If Hell was real, then would he go to it? He didn't know, so he decided to drown out his uncertainties with more alcohol. Just as he poured himself a shot, Toki came barging into his room. The drummer tried not to seem too taken aback as he asked, "Uh...hey, dude. What's up?"

"I wants to pray tonight."

"Oh. Okay." he glanced around his room and asked after a moment, "So what're you doin' here in _my _room? Why aren't you in _your _room?"

"Because I needs you to teach me hows to do it."

Pickles put down his shot glass. "Toki, you don't need anyone to tell you how to talk to Gad. It's something that you just do."

"I don't knows where to start. What dos I pray about?"

"Anything you want."

"Can you maybes show me?"

The drummer nodded and got down off his bed. He couldn't believe he was going along with all of this madness as he knelt down on his knees and bowed his head. Toki got down on the ground next to him and did the same thing. Everything was dismally silent until Pickles began with, "Dear Gad, I...um..." he turned red and elbowed Toki. "You pick it up from 'dere."

"Okays." he cleared his throat and shut his eyes tightly. "Dear Gods, thanks you for-"

"You don't do it out loud." the drummer corrected him. "In your head is fine."

Toki's blue eyes flitted open. They shined with curiosity in the dull light of the room. "Buts what if he don't hears me?"

"He will." Pickles said. "Trust me."

"Okays." and he bowed his head again and without restraint, he began to pray. Thru it all Pickles still knelt there not moving a muscle. They stayed like that for about an hour before Toki was done. He didn't leave, though. Instead he wrapped his arms around the drummer's shoulders and pulled him into a hug.

"Thanks you so much...you wants to know what I prayed for?"

" 'Dat's between you and your Gad, dude."

"I prays for you."

"Oh...I..." he felt himself blushing as he said, "Thanks, I guess."

"Ja. Goodnights, Pickle."

"Um-hmm. Goodnight and thanks for the prayers."

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

****A/N****

**This was probably the most difficult chapter for me to type because I had no idea where to begin, but I think—I _hope—_that I did an okay job. The next chapters will be better. Trust me. I won't be talking about God so much and things will become much deeper for Toki and Pickles.**

**Peace & Love**


	3. Chapter 3

"_You are my only escape_

_You are the reason that I wait..._

_...You are my only embrace_

_You are the light that lights my face..."_

_~~Civil Twilight, Next To Me_

**Chapter 3, Part 1**

_**Twilight's Surprises**_

The next few weeks passed by without incident. Toki mostly hung out by himself, alienating himself from the rest of the band in favor of submerging himself deeper into his religious search. Eventually Pickles began to worry about him, but he didn't do anything to pull the guitarist away from God. It was his life, the drummer had decided, so he could waste it however he wanted. He figured that Toki was totally lost to the rest of the world until one day the Norwegian opened his door to his bedroom and walked right in. It was a dark, chilly day, and outside Pickles' bedroom window the sun had just begun to set. Toki went over to the drummer and pulled him away from the sheets of music he was carefully studying.

"Hey, dude, what the fu-"

"Just comes on."

"But-"

"Trusts me."

Toki took the drummer's hand and lead him all the way downstairs and to the front door of the Mordhaus. Everyone had retired to their own rooms hours ago after dinner to practice by themselves, so they didn't meet anyone else. The sun cast long shadows thru the dark room, making it look long abandoned and forgotten. There wasn't a sound from anyone—not the Klokateers or even Ofdensen, who usually stayed up late doing paperwork in his office. It was almost unnerving.

Before going out the door Pickles glanced around the empty room and whispered, "Where are we goin'?"

"Just follows me!" Toki answered, his voice full of childish delight and excitement. They drummer had no choice but to obey and follow him outside, into the chilly air of twilight. Once outside, Toki began running off into the endless acres of the yard, yelling, "Hurrys up or we miss it!"

"Miss what?" Pickles called as he hurried after him. "What's the big deal?"

"Hurry!" was his simple response. They didn't have to run far before they had reached the edge of a hill. Toki came to a stop at the hill's peak and plopped down into the tall grass.

Once the drummer had managed to catch up with him, he panted, "T-Toki, what the fu-"

"Looks!" the guitarist pointed out to the sky, to the slowly setting sun. As its last few weak rays penetrated the dark, gloomy clouds above, the Norwegian whispered, "It ams nice, huh?"

"Yeah, sure." he said, still trying to regain his breath. He didn't hesitate to sit down in the grass next to Toki and lay back. His green eyes scanned the sky above him and watched as the endless arrays of clouds were transformed from a light gold color to a deep pink one by the rays of the setting sun. Behind the massive clouds there were the first sings of night; the black and purple velvet sky was just beginning to blend into the bright oranges, golds, and pinks of the sunset.

"It ams nice, huh?" Toki asked again, his voice a quiet whisper in the chilling breeze. Pickles nodded, never breaking his gaze away from that wonderful sky.

Neither of them said another word. They just watched as the day melted into night and as the now deeply orange sun gave way to a crescent moon. Pickles couldn't help but feel slightly ashamed of himself—he'd never actually paused to watch the sun set before. How could he have missed out on something this marvelous for so long? Distractedly, he looked back over to Toki and was barley able to make out his expression of pure joy in the gloomy dusk. He was smiling slightly, his blue eyes cast up at the pleasantly glowing moon. Pickles let out a content sigh and went to turn his gaze back to the clouds above, but something else caught his attention.

There were lightning bugs darting thru the black, tall grass. His eyes grew wide and instinctively he grabbed for Toki's hand. "Light bugs? We gat those at the Mordhaus?"

He nodded. "Ja, we always haves. You ever catch ones?"

Pickles shook his head. "Nope, nat since I was a kid." and his green eyes met Toki's blue ones. "Why? Have you?"

"A few times when I cames here. In Norways all the bugs ams frozen." then he got up and pulled the drummer to his feet. "Catch ones for me, please."

"I don't know how—I forgot how to do it."

"Lets me show you." he took Pickles' hands and gently guided them over to a perched lightning bug. The drummer snatched it up quickly and opened his hands a little for Toki to see.

"There. Happy?"

Toki was still holding his hands as he stared at the little blinking bug. "They ams so pretty..."

The bug spread its wings and flew out of the Pickles' hands. The guitarist watched it flit off into the night sky, a bright smile on his face. Pickles couldn't help but feel a growing affection for him. _This _was his old Toki, the one who was so oddly untouched by the world—the one who wanted to stay outside all night and run around like a wild idiot and catch bugs...

He was back.

"Pickle, looks how nice." Toki pointed to a little pool of water a ways away. The lightning bugs darted above it, making it ripple and distort the reflections of the stars and moon. The drummer grinned and sat back down in the soft grass and the Norwegian did the same. By now it was so dark that Pickles could only make out Toki's black silhouette against the flying lightning bugs and meager light of the moon; this didn't stop him from taking the guitarist's hand and holding it tight.

"Thank you so much, Toki."

"For whats?"

"I don't know, but just thanks."

He heard the Norwegian laugh softly. "Pickle, you don'ts makes sense sometimes."

"I know." and he grew silent. He reached over and pulled Toki closer, so that they were shoulder to shoulder. The guitarist rested his head on Pickles' shoulder and closed his eyes. Neither of them noticed it as their eyes grew heavy and finally surrendered to sleep. They were both caught up in the blinking of the lightning bugs.

Pickles was so deep in his sleepy dreams that he didn't feel it as the first drop of rain hit his bare arm. When the second one came, he excused it. When the third and fourth drops came, he opened his eyes and looked around. He was laying in the grass next to Toki, still tightly clutching the guitarist's hand. Another drop of rain hit his cheek and he looked up at the cloudy sky. Lightning flashed above them and in an instant Toki was jolted awake by a loud crack of thunder.

He glanced over at Pickles and asked obliviously, "What ams going on?"

"Thunderstorm." was his response. His own words didn't register in his mind until rain began pelting down on them, drenching them thru their clothes and plastering their hair to their heads. Once that happened, Pickles was pulled out of his half-sleep. He jumped to his feet and scooped Toki up into his arms.

"I cans walk!" the Norwegian said as he stumbled thru the tall grass. Pickles followed and held him close, trying in desperation to shield as much rain as he could from the guitarist.

It appeared as though Mordhaus was father away than he had initially thought, and the faster they went, the more their shoes got stuck in the sticky mud. Eventually they managed to stumble into the house, both panting and shivering with cold and exhaustion.

"Thats was..."

"Kinda fun." Pickles completed, trying to keep his hair out of his face. He frowned when he saw how much Toki was trembling. In a moment he was hugging him, trying to give him what little warmth he had left in his own body. "You're so damn cold," he whispered.

"Sos are you."

"No I'm nat; you're colder. You're shaking."

Toki pulled away and said with a smile on his face, "So ams _you!"_

Pickles just laughed and took off his muddy shoes. "Whatever you say."

"I'ms sorry it rained."

"Dude, it's cool. It wasn't like it was your fault and besides, what's the words 'dat could happen? Getting rained on a little never hurt anybody, right?"

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

**Chapter 3, Part 2**

_**Just The Flu**_

"Flu? Whadda mean I gat the flu?" Pickles asked the doctor as he hugged his stomach and let out a hiss of pain. It had been a few days since the storm, and this morning he'd woken up and vomited. Now, as Ofdensen and the rest of _Dethklok _stood nearby, the doctor put a hand on the drummer's forehead and nodded after a moment.

"Yes, it's definitely the flu."

"But how'd—oh crap, I think I'm gonna—someone get me the trashcan plea-" Before he could even finish his sentence, he was vomiting into a trashcan that Toki held out for him. Once he was done he took the can and spat into it disgustedly. "Fuck." he groaned. "I gat the stupid flu...how the hell does 'dis happen?"

"Well," the doctor said, a deep frown upon his face. "you could've become infected because of a number of reasons, but the most likely is that you were just out in the cold or rain. You may've gotten a simple cold from that and lowered your body's immunity to other sicknesses."

Toki's eyes grew wide. "Sos can you dies from the flu?"

"N-No, Toki," Pickles said, closing his eyes. "You can't."

"Well," the doctor began. "if left untreated, then any sickness could-"

"But Pickle won'ts die, right?"

"No, most likely not."

Toki let out a relieved little sigh and said, "Goods."

The drummer spat again into the trashcan. God, he felt horrible. His whole body ached and his head pounded...every sound echoed in his brain so loudly that his eyes watered. "How do I get better?"

"Simple; drink plenty of fluids, get lots of rest." the doctor paused before adding cautiously, "And you'll need to get a shot."

He nodded. "Okay, whatever. Just make me better."

"Very well, then." the doctor glanced over at Ofdensen, Skwisgaar, Murderface, Nathan, and Toki. "Would you all like to wait outside?"

"Nos." Toki immediately said.

Ofdensen ignored him and nodded. "Of course." he took the Norwegian's arm and lead him out, but not before he could get a glimpse of the large needle being inserted into Pickles' arm.

Once that was done the doctor came out and met them in the hall. "He's very tired," he said. "As soon as you get home I suggest that you let him go to sleep and _stay _asleep—no interruptions. You also might want to consider keeping him off solid foods until he stops regurgitating so much."

Ofdensen nodded once more. "Okay. Anything else? What about the album? When will he be able to play the drums again?"

He took a moment to consider the question before answering, "I'd give him a recuperation period of at least two to four weeks depending on how fast he is able to get better."

Pickles came walking out of the room and leaned heavily against the wall. "I just puked in your trashcan again, dude. Sorry."

The doctor sighed. "That's fine."

" 'Kay. Can we go home now so I can sleep?"

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

**Chapter 3, Part 3**

_**Blueberry Pie**_

The next few days were long and boring. In an effort to help Pickles heal as quickly as possible, Ofdensen didn't let the drummer even go out of his room. There was also a fear of infecting the other band members, so Pickles was lucky if he ever saw the light of day. The days seemed endless and no matter how much he begged Ofdensen, nobody was allowed to visit him. A week passed and he didn't get much better—he was still vomiting often and he couldn't keep solid foods down. One day, though, something miraculous happened. Toki managed to sneak into his room.

The drummer had just drifted off to sleep when he heard the soft voice of the guitarist and smelled something particularly delicious and sweet. "Pickle, do you wants to wakes up now?"

"Hmm?" he opened his eyes and gave Toki a sleepy smile. "Hey, dude. What's up?"

"Everyones ams driving me crazy, so I cames to visit you."

"But nobody's allowed up here."

"Ssh. You gots to be quiet or someones might come in and kick me out." And with that, Toki placed a plate of food on the little table beside Pickles' bed. "Cans you eat yet?"

He shook his head. "Nah, I still just puke it up."

"Ohs." his face fell and he motioned over to the plate. "I didn't knows what you woulds want, so I just gots you some pie."

Pickles sat up in his bed and switched on his lamp. "Pie? What kinda pie?" then he smelled that wonderfully sweet smell again and his mouth began to water.

"I don'ts really know. It was alls I could find in the fridge."

The drummer took the plate of blueberry pie and swiped a finger thru the thick, sweet purple filling. He ate it and smiled. "Thanks, Toki. You're a damn lifesaver. I'm so _hungry."_

"What if yous puke it up again?" the Norwegian asked, his eyes full of concern. "I don't wants to make you sicks no more."

"_You _never made me sick." Pickles said, picking up the fork Toki had brought him. He dug into the slice of pie and ate it gratefully. Once he was done he wiped his mouth off on his hand and laid back down. He half expected himself to grow nauseous, to vomit up the dessert, but to his surprise he didn't. Instead it just settled in his stomach and made the aches of hunger stop. He closed his eyes. "Thanks."

"It ams fine." There was a long moment of silence before, "I'ms sorry you ams so sick, Pickle."

"It's nat your fault."

"Then whose ams it?"

He shrugged weakly and said in a low, tired voice, "I dunno; my own, I guess. It's nat a big deal, anyway. I'm just a little sick. I'll get better."

"But whats if you don't?"

"Then you can bring me blueberry pie every day and come up and talk to me." the drummer whispered. His whole body ached as he spoke and his throat was on fire. " 'Dat'll be good enough for me."

"Okays. I guess I shoulds gos now?"

"If you want."

"I just don't wants to keeps you from sleeping."

"You're nat."

"So I cans stay?"

Pickles gave a little nod. "S-Sure."

Toki happily fixed himself a seat beside the drummer's bed and sat down. He didn't even speak—he didn't want to keep Pickles from sleeping, after all—only sat there in silence and watched the T.V. That hung on the drummer's wall. It wasn't so bad with Toki there, Pickles thought. It was almost bearable.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4, Part 1**

_**Saying Goodbye**_

Eventually Pickles did get better and was able to rejoin the band. He resumed his drinking and drug habits, and for the next few months life seemed good. However, something happened one night that changed all that. It was just after midnight when Pickles heard a loud banging outside his door. He jumped out of his bed, stumbled over empty bottles, and rushed to open his door. Toki was standing on the other side, stuffing clothes into a suitcase.

He took one look at Pickles and explained, "It cames open. Sorrys if I wokes you up."

"Yeah, 'dat's fine...uh what the fuck are you doin'?" he leaned heavily against the door frame and watched as Toki stuffed the last one of his shirts back into the suitcase and tried to close it again.

"Don'ts be stupid—I'ms running away."

"Wh...you're doing what?" In the matter of a second, a dozen emotions filled Pickles; anger, fear, sadness, worry, confusion, shock."You're going away? _Why?"_

"Because, Pickle." Toki said. "I ams so tired of this place. I don't know whats to do or why Gods even made me, but I'm pretty sures he didn't makes me to be here. I thinks he wanted me to do something else, so I'm goings away to finds out what it ams." he went to walk away, but the drummer's hand shot out, caught his arm, and pulled him back.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"Pickle, lets me go." Toki said almost warningly. "I don't needs your advice—I don't needs _anyone's _advice. I knows what I ams doing."

It occurred to him just then how much of a child Toki was. Pickles' heart filled with a dull fear as he pulled the Norwegian into his room and shut the door. "Look," he said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I'm nat gonna stop you from doing what you're about to do. You're your own person and you're a fuckin' adult, but you've gatta listen—running away is the _worst _thing in the world you can do!"

"But you dids it when you was a teenager and looks where you are!" the guitarist protested. "You ams rich and famous and-"

"And so are you!"

"Buts Pickle-"

"No, Toki, just listen. Listen and look; look at _me. _Look at _this." _he pointed to all the empty cans of beer and bottles of booze that littered the floor of his room. "Yeah, I ran away and now I'm famous and rich and all that's really fuckin' great, but look! I'm a damn alcoholic! I drink myself to sleep every night and I do so many fuckin' drugs 'dat I barley know right from left anymore. How can you want to be like me?"

Toki bit his lip and looked down. "Buts you ams happy."

He scoffed. "Yeah, when I'm high or drunk! Trust me, you do not ever want to be what I am. I'm nothing great, just a fuck-up." and he went over and got himself a bottle of vodka from off his nightstand.

Toki watched him take a few large gulps before saying, "Yous drink so much it scares me sometimes...ams that wrong?"

Pickles stared into his pale eyes and admitted, "No, it's absolutely right. You should be scared because sometimes I scare _myself."_

"Buts...buts if God didn't makes me to be like you, then whys did he bother to makes me at all?" the Norwegian asked, his head falling into his hands. "Why ams I alive?"

The drummer went over to him and pulled him into a hug. "You have to figure that out on your own."

"Then whys do you think _you _ams alive?"

"I...I don't know, Toki. I guess I never bothered to figure 'dat out."

"Then how ams I supposed to ever figure that outs about myself if not even _you _knows? Pickle," his voice was firm and unwavering as he said, "I haves to leave. I haves to try to see what ams in the world. I haves to try and finds my place."

"But where will you go?"

"I'll figure that outs when I gets there."

"How will you make money?"

Toki shrugged. "There ams more important things other thans just moneys. I've _got _to dos this. Don'ts you understands?"

"Yeah." Pickles said, closing his eyes tightly against the tears that were beginning to form. He felt himself shaking, felt his whole body growing cold and his heart turning to stone. "B-But running away from all of this that you've worked for isn't the answer..."

"It seems likes a good answer to mes."

"...running away from _me."_

Toki pulled away from his embrace and said solemnly, "It ams not about you. Pickle, you ams my best friend, but I can'ts do this anymore. I'm sorry, but I've gots to go." he went towards the door, but before he could go Pickles was crying. It was like he was being ripped in half, like the Norwegian was walking off with half his heart and his mind—half of his whole body.

"W-Wait! Don't leave me, don't go! Please!"

Toki turned and met his gaze. "Pickle, what-"

"I...I love you, so please don't go. I know it's wrong and stupid and sick, but I love you like nothing else in the whole fuckin' world, so please don't go!"

The guitarist opened his mouth then closed it again. Finally he just ended up shaking his head and walking out the door. Pickles was left to stand there totally numb, totally mortified as Toki walked right out of his life.

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

**Chapter 4, Part 2**

_**Never The Same**_

Everyone was silent as they ate their breakfast. Ofdensen came in, not bothering to meet anyone's gaze. His voice echoed as he said gravely, "There's still no word from Toki; the Klokateers have been looking everywhere around Mordhaus, but we still haven't found him."

Skwisgaar let out a stifled cry and whispered, "It ammnest _mys _fault, I knows it..."

"No, Skwisgaar, it's not anyone's-"

"Ofdensen, just go." Nathan broke in. "Just leave us alone."

He nodded and took his leave. There were no Klokateers left on the interior of Mordhaus; they were all searching for Toki. Pickles had barley been able to drag himself out of his room this morning for breakfast. Everyone had given him hateful, knowing stairs, as if they could tell that he had been involved in Toki's sudden disappearance.

_I can't believe I just let him walk out, _he thought as he stabbed at his food with his fork. _I can't believe that he actually left._

And Skwisgaar just kept mumbling to himself, running his slender hands thru his long, blond hair. "I calleds him stupids, even saids he shoulds just die once...it ams _my _faults, I knows it, all my faults..."

"No!" Nathan yelled suddenly, slamming his fork down on the table. "It's not your fault! It's not my fault or Murderface's!"

Pickles looked up from his plate, his eyes narrowed. "Nat mine either, right?"

He said nothing, let the Swede step in. "Ja it ammnest your fault!" Skwisgaar cried. "You was the closest tos him, so you knew that hims was goings to run away! You _knews!"_

"I didn't know!"

"You coulds have stopped him!"

"No, I..." his voice trailed off. He sighed, looked back down at his food, and grew silent. The Swede let out a cry of frustration and got out of his chair. He went over to Pickles and shook him roughly, trying to get his attention. "Hey," the drummer said warningly, "dude, fuck aff already."

"Nos! Fucks you, you piece of shit! It ammnest your fault that he lefts!"

"_My fault?"_

He nodded. "Ja, 'cause yous were the one who whats tries to makes him not read hims stupid bible ands stuff! He must've gots sick of it and runs away!"

Pickles jumped up from his seat and pushed Skwisgaar away from him. "Dude, I swear to Gad, if you don't shut your damn mouth..."

"What ammnest you goings to do about it, huh?" the Swede challenged. "Hits me? It won't makes Toki come back!"

Pickles glared at him and spat, "Me, huh? You think it's all _my _fault? How is my fault 'dat you called him stupid and useless and told him that he was good for nothing and didn't even deserve to spit on your damn shoes?"

"Yous were the one that he looks up to!"

"So what?"

"Fucks you!" was all that Skwisgaar could think to say as he made a move to punch Pickles. Nathan, however, was quick to catch him and haul him back to his seat.

He leaned close to the fuming Swede and said quietly, "Skwisgaar, calm down, just cool it. Toki's going to be okay, alright? You don't need to waste your time with-"

"Why dids he leave? He was likes my fuckings brother!" the Swede said as tears began rolling down his cheeks. "Fucks him, fucks him..."

Nathan patted him on his shoulder. "I know, it sucks. It's gonna get better, though. Toki'll come home."

Meanwhile Murderface was busy trying to calm Pickles down by saying, "Look, I know it'sh not your fault, but you can't shtart fightsh and shtuff, sho-"

"Did you hear what he said to me?" Pickles hissed. "He said 'dat it was _all _my fault, like he didn't have nothing to do with it!"

Murderface stared at him cluelessly. "Why did Toki run away? Do you know where he ish?"

The drummer opened his mouth then shut it again; his green eyes flitted down to the floor as he admitted, "No, I don't."

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

**Chapter 4, Part 3**

_**Six Months Later**_

Pickles was laying in his bed in a deep, alcohol-induced sleep when he awoke to the sound of his dethphone ringing. Blindly he grabbed it and said, "Yeah, hello?"

"P-Pickle? It ams T-"

"Toki!" he immediately sat up in his bed and turned on his light. "Hey, what's up? Where've you been? Why haven't you called? What-"

"Hey, listens for a seconds...I n-needs your help." Toki's voice shook as he said, "To gets me out..."

"Out of where?" Pickles asked, although he was already quite sure he knew the answer.

"Jails."

His stomach did a complete back flip. He took a moment to pull himself together before rolling out of bed. "Yeah, sure, okay. Whatever you want, you gat it. You need bail money? How much?"

"I d-don'ts...k-k..." his voice faded and shouting could be heard in the background. In a moment Toki was back on the phone. "Likes at least fifty-thousands."

The drummer nearly dropped his phone when he heard the insane number. "What? Toki, what the fuck did you _do?"_

"Just cuh-cuh-comes over please." 

"Why's your voice shakin' so bad like 'dat? You sound kinda like Rockzo." he said, remembering how badly the clown had stuttered when he was in need of cocaine.

Toki said nothing for a moment then, "Please just comes over with the money."

" 'Kay. You want me to bring anything else?"

A pause, more talking in the background, then, "Ja, brings all the drugs you gots for me. I wants it in the car for whens I g-gets out. Gots it?"

Pickles swallowed. This wasn't right; Toki had never spoken to him or anyone like this. Still, he agreed to it. "Yeah, sure. Gat it."

"Okays, good. Hurrys up and get your ass over here." and the phone hung up. The drummer sighed and got dressed. Before leaving he had himself a drink. Tonight was going to be a long night.

Since Toki had specified that he wanted to be picked up in a car, Pickles had no choice but to sneak up to Ofdensen's office and steal his keys—he had somehow managed to fall asleep at his desk signing papers. The drummer drove fast, hardly obeying red lights, and when he got to the police station he didn't bother to close the car door. He just bolted inside of the station and asked loudly, "Hey, where's Toki Wartooth? I gat the stupid money."

From over a ways away in a barred cell, Toki held out his hands and called, "Heys, Pickle! You cames, you really dids!"

The drummer went over to the cell and tried to hug the trembling Norwegian thru the bars, totally failing to notice that sitting in the far corner of the little cell was a man dressed like a clown. "D-D-Dr. Rockzo's sure glad that you cuh-cuh-came, baby!" the clown cried as he pushed Toki to the side and attempted to hug Pickles himself.

The drummer pushed him away and spat, "Rockzo, you piece of shit! How'd you manage to get Toki in trouble?"

"Heys!" Toki snapped. "Don't talks to him likes that! He ams my friend!"

"I know, but-"

"He ams the one I've been stayings with since I lefts." the guitarist said, putting some of his greasy hair behind his ears.

He flet his heart skip a beat. Rockzo brought nothing but trouble—drug_-_related trouble. "Dude, what've you been doing for the past few months? What've-"

"H-Hey, Toki?" Rockzo piped up. "Does your friend have any c-c-cocaine?"

Pickles took a step away from the cell. He couldn't believe it. Toki—_his _Toki—was standing there in front of him as a ghost. Then it hit him. The only reason that the Norwegian had elected to call him over Skwigaar or Nathan was because he knew just how much the drummer liked to do drugs. Toki knew that Pickles had easy access to them all hours of the day, and that he had plenty to spare...

Suddenly he felt like an idiot.

"Toki, please tell me 'dat you haven't been doing anything bad."

"Whats was I supposed to dos?" Toki hissed, his pale eyes gleaming dangerously. "Huh? I was so lost and alones, but when Rockzo founds me...I just starteds doing what you do, Pickle, that ams it. I just starteds drinking and smokings and soon I couldn'ts stops..." his voice trailed off and he looked away, clearly ashamed with himself. "...there was nobodys to tells me _how _to stops. You weren't theres, nobody was, and I thoughts—I just kepts thinking about whats you said to me, that you loveds me. I knews you would have someones else by now, sos I dids more and more untils-"

"You thought that I'd have someone else?" Pickles broke in. "What are you talkin' about?"

"Yous would replace me with some stupids, dumb-"

"Toki, are you saying that you love me?"

The Norwegian nodded. "Of course I dos, but you knows what I would love _mores?" _when Pickles said nothing, Toki took his hands and held them tightly. "I woulds loves it if you were tos get me out of here and gives me some cocaine."

Pickles pulled his hands out of Toki's grasp. He turned red and said, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, "No, I won't. I _can't, _because like you said, 'dere wasn't anybody to tell you when to stop, but I'm telling you right now that this is enough. All I'm gonna give you is a ride home; I'm not gonna just give you any coke, 'cause then I'd be just as good as Rockzo. No, I won't do 'dat."

"Then just gets me out of here."

"Only if you swear to Gad 'dat you won't-"

"I don'ts believe in Gods no more." Toki said. His face was so pale, his eyes sunken and ringed by circles of black. He had lost a good amount weight and his hair hung around his face in limp, greasy strands, thinned out by weeks of not eating, from weeks of spending his money on drugs...

"Gad," the drummer whispered, pressing a hand to Toki's cheek. "You don't even look like the same person..." The Norwegian pulled away and glared defiantly at him.

"Either you gets me out or I'll never talks to you again."

"Toki, I love you." Pickles said with some difficulty. "I love you no matter what. I just hope 'dat you can see it."

"Just gets me out of here."

"Fine." he said, backing away from the cell. "I'll get _you _out, nat Rockzo." he went and paid Toki's bail. Once he was let out of the jail cell, he turned to Rockzo and grinned.

"Tolds you he'd listens to me! Pickle _always _listens to me!"

The drummer felt ashamed as he walked out of the police station with the Norwegian. Behind him Dr. Rockzo could be heard yelling, "S-So what if he-he's your bitch? Cuh-Congratulations, Toki! You got someone to take the blame for your sorry ass, baby! C-Cocaine!"

Pickles walked over to the car, got in, and slammed the door. The guitarist sat in the passenger's seat and looked around frantically. "I tolds you to brings me some-" 

"Yeah, and I didn't!" the drummer cried. "I didn't because I didn't wanna hurt you!"

Toki's eyes grew wide. "You...you means that there really ams no drugs?"

"No!"

His eyes filled with tears and he shook his head. His whole body began trembling as he whispered, "I-I haves been in j-jail for three damns days and finally they lets me call you, and the ones things I asks you—_begs _you to bring, you don'ts? Why, Pickle? I thoughts you loved me..."

"I _do _love you!"

He began sobbing. "I just wants to get high! You dos it, so why can'ts I?"

"Because I love you too much to see you like 'dat, to watch you kill yourself." Pickles said, his voice breaking. He cursed himself for sounding so vulnerable, but what could he do? "T-Toki, don't you understand? It fuckin' tears me apart to see you like you are now. You're pathetic, begging for drugs like This. It's horrible."

"Pickle, I _needs _it!"

"No you don't. It only seems like you do. Trust me, I know!" he said thru his wretchedness. "I know." there was a long while of silence before he dared to ask, "What'd you get busted for? Possession? Dealing?"

"Neithers." Toki admitted. "Rockzo gots busted and he panicked and turns me in. He didn't means it, though. He was just tryings to saves his sorry ass." he let his head fall against the cool glass of the car window; his pale eyes closed for a moment as he said, breathing deeply, "And it was sos easy to just gets high, Pickle, so fuckings easy and good...it mades everything so nice, but when I woulds wakes up and stills be alive—stills _feeling _everythings—I would gets highs again and drinks more. It helped for a while." and he laughed softly and added, "Untils I got caught."

"Toki, listen. I'm nat gonna let you live your life like 'dis." Pickels said quietly, taking a hold of the guitarist's hand and squeezing it. "I'm gonna help you get clean."

"Nos. I don't wants it."

"Trust me, you do."

"Whys?"

"Because if you don't get clean 'den I'll never speak to you again."

Toki smiled over at him and said weakly, "Y-Yous can reads me really goods, huh? You ams the only one in the worlds who cans sees past my bullshit. You knows I didn't calls you because I loved yous, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"I called yous for the drugs."

Pickles gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his arms began shaking. He glared down and said, his eyes blurred with tears, "Y-Yeah, I know alright? I know you were just usin' me! I ain't stupid!" and suddenly he was weeping. He was burying his face in his arms just and crying. Toki watched him and a look of concern flashed across his face.

"P-Pickle?" he whispered meekly, patting the drummer's hand. "Ams you okay?"

"Please, Toki, please..."

"Whats?"

"Do me a favor?"

"Sures. Anything."

"Just come here and let me hold you." Toki frowned and arched a brow, but when Pickles sat back in his seat and opened his arms wide he knew what to do. Slowly he crawled over into his arms and laid there. The drummer wrapped his arms around Toki, still biting back sobs and she said brokenly, "I-I love you so damn much, but you hurt me more than anyone else in the whole fuckin' world. You know that? You hurt me so bad, Toki."

"I don'ts mean to hurt you; I'ms so sorry...please don't cry..." The guitarist reached up and delicately wiped a tear from Pickles' cheek. He held the drummer's face in his hands and begged, "Don'ts cry. It ams fine if you wants to help me get clean, it ams okay. I-I'll trys to do it for you. Not for mes, but for _you, _because I really, reallys do love you."

Pickles shook his head and tried to turn away, but Toki wouldn't let him. "No you don't. You just want me to give you some coke and let you loose again, don't you? I'm just like a fuckin' bitch to you, huh? You think you can just fuck with me and _use _me like 'dis? Toki, I've never loved anyone before—_anyone—_but you. I just look at you and think about how much I wanna be around you and...and..." he took a deep, troubled breath and completed, "...and all you've ever done is throw it right back in my face. Fuck it, I'm done."

"Buts-"

"Just shut up and get back in your seat."

Toki didn't' move. Instead he leaned forward and whispered, "Don'ts tells me what to do; I knows what I am doing."

" 'Dat's just a stupid lie and you know it."

"Yeah," he admitted. "maybe it ams, but stills. Maybe if I keeps telling myself that, I'll actually believes it one day. Whats of that do you think?"

"I think it would be best for both of us if you gat away from me right now." the drummer insisted. "I'm just so sick of you fuckin' around and acting like you don't value anything—acting like you don't even care about yourself. I'm so sick of living with the hurt you make me have, Toki. We're over."

" 'We' never was, Pickle."

"Yeah, maybe not."

"But do you wish there _hads _been a 'we'?"

He shook his head and lied, "No. You hurt me too much."

Toki chuckled and got out of Pickles' lap. He slunk back over to his own seat and buckled his seat belt. "Whatevers." he said almost hatefully. As the drummer backed the car out of the parking lot, the Norwegian said coldly, "Fucks you, Pickle, 'cause you knows what? I really dos wish there was a 'wes', so just fucks you for not admitting it. You makes me feels like an idiots and I hates being in loves with you. I hates it more than anything, because you cares so much abouts me that you helps me and...and..." he punched the dashboard and cried, "I just wants someones to fixes me, but no ones will!" and he threw his head back and let out a loud cry. Pickles slammed on the brakes and pulled off to the side of the city street, ignoring the annoyed honks he got from other drivers.

"You want someone to fix you?" he exclaimed, his green eyes blazing with hurt and confusion. " 'Den just say you love me and mean it!"

"I wills as soon as you says the same to me!"

"Fine! I love you more than anything in the whole damn world, and no matter what I'm nat gonna let you end up like me—a sad, useless, drug-addicted alcoholic!"

Toki shut his eyes tightly and sobbed, "I loves you to, Pickle! I've _always _loves you and I've been tryings to get you to likes me for so long. You ams the only person who cans fix me, I think...please helps me. I'm so tireds of being like this, thinkings about nothing but cocaine and drugs and drinking and dyings—it all doesn't matters, not as long as you loves me."

They both grew silent and met each other's gaze. Pickles began shaking almost as badly as Toki. "Fine," he whispered. "okay. So we love each other, but what now?"

"Now I ams going to get clean."

"It's not gonna be easy."

He shrugged. "Sos what? The last six months haven't beens easy, either."

"It'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do." Pickles insisted.

"But you'll be theres with me, right?"

"Yeah." he sighed. "Always."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5, Part 1**

_**The Hardest Thing To Do**_

Toki sat over the toilet heaving and retching, trying to make the horrible sickness inside of him go away. He sobbed and cried, begged Pickles to please give him something to get high off of, but the drummer refused, held his hair back, and watched as he puked his guts out.

"P-Please, I promise I'lls do good if yous-"

"No, Toki."

"Buts I feels like shit."

" 'Dat's supposed to happen." Pickles said gently. "You're body gets sick without the drugs and crap. It's called withdrawal."

"I don't wants to do this anymore." he said, hugging his sides. "It hurts."

He nodded and ran a hand thru Toki's hair comfortingly. "I know, but it'll get better. This is gonna be the worst part." The guitarist began vomiting again. Once was done, Pickles flushed the toilet and gently laid Toki on the cold tile of his bathroom floor. He put a blanket over the shivering Norwegian and asked, "You're cold?"

"Nos, hot."

The drummer nodded and took the blanket off of him. "Sorry."

Toki looked up at him and asked, panting, "I-I ams bad, huh?"

Pickles glanced down at him and shook his head. "Nah, you're okay."

"I'ms sorry. I'll never do nothings bad like this agains."

"You promise?"

"Ja, swears to God. This hurts to much." he sat up and reached for the blanket. "I'ms cold now." but he was sweating horribly and his hair was quickly becoming plastered to his forehead.

Pickles watched him with a deep frown upon his face and said encouragingly, "C'mere." He pulled Toki into his arms and held him close. "It's gonna be okay, I swear."

"I feels like I'm dying."

"You're nat."

"Hows do you know?"

He thought for a moment then said, " 'Cause I wouldn't let you die."

The Norwegian gave him a weak, small smile and said, "I'ms glad you're here with mes. Thanks." he rested his head on the drummer's chest and closed his eyes. "I'm tired."

"Then go to sleep."

"But I hurts so bad everywhere...oh Gods, I messed up so bads doing all that stupids shit..." his whole body tensed up and he let out a little groan of agony. "I thinks I'm going to pukes again..."

Pickles got up, lead Toki over to the toilet, and the whole painful process was repeated. It was like that the rest of the night and for the weeks afterword. Finally, though, Toki seemed to be getting better. He wasn't begging for drugs and soon he wasn't vomiting as much. He was even able to actually sleep in a bed instead of just on the cold floor next to the toilet.

When Toki awoke one morning he found that Pickles was sitting on the bed next to him, his eyes half open and struggling to stay open. The drummer was clearly exhausted; his eyes had dark circles around them and were always burning with lack of sleep, but he had never once left the guitarist alone unless it was to try and get him some food or something to drink.

"P-Pickle? Ams I alives?"

"Yep, you're still here."

"Ands not high?"

He grinned and shook his head. "Nope, nat high."

Toki cursed and sat up in the bed. His head pounded and he was shivering with cold. "Fucks. That sucks." and he looked over and saw that on the little table next to his side of the bed there was a sliver of blueberry pie. The Norwegian picked up the plate and fork and glanced over at Pickles. "You gots me food?"

"Yep." and his smile grew as he said, "It was the only thing they had in the fridge."

Toki laughed at ate a small bite of the pie, savoring the rich sweetness of it. "Thanks you so much for puttings up with me."

"I didn't_ put up _with you; I could've walked out if I wanted." Pickles pointed out.

He watched as Toki at the pie and suddenly he felt his heart filling with a warm affection for the guitarist. He had seen him at his worst, made him new again, and somehow managed to keep his own self emotionally together in the process. That was saying something, wasn't it? They'd been to the edge and back again and still weren't sick of each other, so surely that meant something.

"Heys, Pickle?"

"Hmm?"

"Ams you going to dump me?"

His smile faded a little as he asked, "Why the hell would I do 'dat?"

"Wells..." Toki swallowed another bite of pie. "Because I haves been bad. I dids drugs and dranks and hurts you, so why do you stills loves me?"

"I...I don't know." he admitted. Then, seeing hurt flash in the Norwegian's eyes, he raced to add, "I don't need a reason, though. You're just the best person in the world."

The guitarist smiled broadly and finished the rest of the pie. To both of their amazement, he didn't puke it up. Once he was done eating, Toki laid back into the soft mattress of the drummer's bed—he'd been staying in Pickles' room since he'd gotten back to Mordhaus—and turned his head to stare out the window. "I dids good?"

Pickles took Toki's hand. "Yeah," he whispered. "You did great."

"I still feels like crap, though."

"It's fine. It'll get better."

"You keeps saying that, but hows do you know?"

"Because I'm gonna stay here with you 'till it _does _get better." he answered.

Toki smiled and replied softly, "It feels good to belongs to someone, just to knows that someone cares abouts me. Doesn't it feels good?"

"Yeah," Pickles said. "I guess it does. I guess it feels amazing."

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

**Chapter 5, Part 2**

_**What Happened Later**_

In another six months Toki was clean enough to continue on with regular _Dethklok _affairs; playing at concerts, recording, and going to after parties. Pickles always kept a close eye on him, though, and when the day came where Dr. Rockzo came knocking on the doors of Mordhaus, he sent the clown away himself. Gradually everything returned to normal—or at least as normal as it _could _be. The worst part of Toki's withdrawal had to be when Murderface slipped a bag of cocaine into his pocket one day. That set his recovery process back to square one, but after that there were no more thoughtless jokes. Everyone tried their best to accommodate the Norwegian and help him thru his time of sickness.

Later, of course, Pickles announced to everyone that he and Toki were together. This proclamation got mixed emotions from everyone in the the band and brought about many questions, but neither of the two musicians cared much. They were together, and that's all that really mattered.

If you asked Pickles to this day, he'd still say that he was amazed at all the things that could be fixed—and all the ghosts that could be chased away—by a little blueberry pie.

**:::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: : :::: ::: :: :**

****A/N****

**And there you go, that's the end. I know I sort of whipped these chapters up fast, but I have a whole damn week off—although I'm not complaining—and there's nothing much to do out here in the country other than riding my bike and being bored. All my friends are spending 'quality time' with their families, so I'm pretty much screwed. ^_^**

**Also, no, I don't know why I chose _blueberry pie _of all foods. I've never even eaten blueberry pie in my life, so I have no clue what it tastes like. The original title was supposed to have something to do with fried chicken—I was eating it when I thought of the plot for this story—but for some reason I replaced it with blueberry pie. I guess it just fit or something. WTF is going on my my twisted-ass mind, I'll never know. :P**

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed the story. Many more Pickles/Toki stuff to come. Thanks for reading. Reviews are love.**

**Peace & Love **


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